Perimenopause: A Change We Did Not Choose
Perimenopause: A change we did not choose
Change is inevitable. Some changes we initiate, like moving to a new place, eating differently, or trying a new hair style. Some changes come gradually and others suddenly. Often changes require some level of consideration no matter if we tend to be spontaneous or more calculated in our responses.
Age and the taboo of aging for women specifically is worth mentioning. It’s a change that we anticipate and many dread or even fight off. We are asked to hide our age, or at least not look the age we are, with the penalty of being discredited if we do. With a hyper-focus on our appearance, we may forget to share our wisdom, to trust our intuition, or vocalize our insights. What if we consider the choice to elevate the value placed on “women of a certain age” as central rather than dispensable?
Only five species of toothed whales (orcas and belugas included) besides humans are believed to experience menopause, according to the National Wildlife Federation. The unique experience of peri(menopause) means that we have value beyond our fertile years in a society that has historically narrowed women’s purpose to domestic tasks.
America Ferria’s monologue in the Barbie Movie (2023), resonated with many of us regarding the contradictory roles and expectations that are placed on women. This excerpt is powerful: “You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.” I cried during this scene. It gave words to what didn’t even know I was feeling.
As we age the changes to our bodies, moods, and roles in relationships and all the demands on us can cause us to withdraw. Isolation can become part of the change that is gradual and we can feel unsure about how to undo it. It is vulnerable to reach out and can be even more challenging during perimenopause, when life is packed and still lonely. Getting to witness each other’s beauty, strength, passion, busyness, calm, fear, and hope without judgment can an impactful remedy.
I researched and wrote a literature review on Relational Cultural Theory (RCT) in grad school. RCT holds the premise that healing and empowerment happen in community. Gathering in safe spaces can be enlightening, help us find our voices, and practice being the version of ourselves that we wonder might be too much or not enough. Spaces where we spill the tea and stand in awe of the greatness and bravery it takes to be a woman. And as we age, we say to each other, “Wow, look at who you are becoming. I see you.” To be seen and not reduced, no matter what age we are, invites dignity and belonging.
The changes that we invite amid the changes that we did not choose can help us redefine perimenopause. Information about what is happening to us and that it is normal can be so affirming. The memes on social media offer relief as they help us to laugh rather than cry when we realize that our experiences are more common than we thought. Finding connection in authentic relationships may help us to welcome the changes that we have hoped to ward off. Knowing that we are capable of handling what comes our way because we are not alone and believe that we have purpose beyond the version of ourselves that we have known. This may be the response to perimenopause that we didn’t know we needed.
